Honey Boo Boo Child

Something settled over Mobile yesterday.  Something worse then the floods, the locusts, acid rain or even polyester.

I'm talking about "Toddlers and Tiaras"

I was minding my own business yesterday when suddenly I got a migraine so bad, blinding even, that I knew exactly what Obi Won Kinobi was speaking of when he said there was a disturbance in the Force.  After some research I had found the the team of "Toddlers and Tiaras" was in Mobile.

Now if you aren't familiar with this show, and I really can't how you wouldn't be, let me briefly explain it to you.  Mothers pimp their daughters out for trophies, crowns, and cash.  That is the plain and simple of it.  Imagine, if you will, the Kartrashians as infants.

Now, I know that all parents think their infant, toddler, and even pre-teen and teenage child is gorgeous.  Even with greasy hair, braces, and ill fitting hand me downs.  It takes a special parent though to weave fake bangs in their kids hair, give them a spray tan insert artificial bridges in their teeth and send them waltzing down a runway for the hope of being " Little Miss Insert Witty Category Title Here".  It seems to me that would be a childhood like none other.  They flash mega-watt fake smiles, toss their over colored hair, wave with hands that have fake nails, in hopes of being crowned.  Because that is exactly what happens in everyday life.  Hell, that isn't even how it is in Snow White.


I will admit, I have watched "Toddlers and Tiaras", only because about a month ago, one of them went viral when she called the world Honey Boo Boo Child and that a dollar made her "hollar"  I thought to myself, who would do that to their daughter?  When they showed her extreme couponing Jabba the Hutt stand in mother I understood.  This "woman" began explaining the pageant circuit and what it was teaching her daughter...then, on national television, she burped.  Thank God pageants are teaching her something because this bad permed horror story certainly wasn't.

 I thought I had seen enough of this to last me a lifetime until self described beauty queen Alaina began speaking of her special juice that was going to help her win and that she could feel it "kickin' in"  Now we all know the only thing that someone uses the phrase kicking in to describe are drugs of some kind and when I saw this beast turn up a bottle of Mountain Dew that had been mixed with Red Bull I almost called the department of Human Services myself.  At this point though she was so annoying I was praying that someone would give her a package of pop-rocks on the thought that her insides would literally explode right in front of our very eyes because the only thing she had learned was how to be a money hungry, fame seeking, caffeine guzzling bitch...maybe she is a Kartrashian after all.

I understand that kids need hobbies.  I get that.  Hobby-less kids end up sitting in dark room building bombs while their unsuspecting parents never once look in on them.  I also get that while there are "stage parents" in every sport or activity that a child will be involved in.  We have all seen dads coaching from sidelines and mothers simulating a cheer routine in the hopes that their kids would get to experience the thrill of victory instead of the agony of defeat.  That's okay.  What isn't okay is clipping in fake hair, applying makeup with a trowel, and giving botox to a child that hardly knows their ABC's...

Unless of course your name is Kris and your children are Kourtney, Kim and Khloe...