Magic Mirror on the Wall...

A strange phenomenon is starting to happen to me.  Sometimes when I look in the mirror I get a glimpse of someone, be it ever so brief, and that someone isn't me.  Who could this stunning creature looking back at me be, you may ask.  Jake Gyllenhal?  Channing Tatum?  George Clooney?  All very , very good guesses, but no, none of them are right.

I am talking about my mother.

Now this shouldn't come as a surprise to me.  I've heard all my life "you look just like your mother" or "you can certainly tell she's your mother."  I never understood this one because, if you know my mother, it wouldn't matter what she looked like because she has ALWAYS acted like my mother.  What I wasn't prepared for was, at the age of forty to start acting like her.

Our uncanny looks aside I have to say I have always been my mothers child.  We have the same hair trigger temper, disgust with stupidity, speaking voices that could be lowered just an octave or two, and, allegedly, the same ability to silence a room with one withering look.  That is not what I am talking about.  Let me give you a glimpse into how I am slowly turning from a self described "International party Boy" (I know, I like the ring of it too) into a middle aged grandparent.

1.  Pickling:  I never knew what this meant and until recently I wasn't truly one hundred percent on board with the fact that pickles were actually cucumbers.  In all actuality I didn't care.  My pickles came from a jar with the word "Vlassic" clearly printed on the label.  Why the hell would I learn how to do this because I have never seen the shelves of the Winn Dixie out of them.  Well, not only have I learned to pickle I am enjoying it.  Who knew?  My next venture is going to be green beans.  I mean they aren't going to pickle themselves for my brunch time Bloody Mary.

2.  Conservative instead of sporty:  recently you could catch me at any number of red lights in the tri-state area with the top of my Miata down, CD player wailing the latest whatever, newest pair of sunglasses on headed for destinations unknown.  Hell one time Jeff and I went to the Bahamas with just a few days notice and my oldest friend Lisa and myself once spent new years in three states with just our pajamas!  The world was my oyster!  Well, that oyster has apparently been shucked cause if it don't happen in midtown I don't give a damn about it and you can almost be certain that if I RSVP'd yes to it that it was simply to not hurt the invitation senders feelings.  The Miata is gone, replaced with a very nondescript little economy car that barely gets me noticed...okay so its a Mercedes, it's black with a sunroof and I love it, but it has four doors so there...

3.  Style and Comfort:  One thing I learned from my mother is "there is no reason to ever look bad in public"  This is one of the reasons that I am currently wrestling with the desire to maybe try on a pair of Crocs because I know she just wouldn't have it, or would she.  While I will readily admit that my mother ALWAYS looks amazing, and I am not just saying that, he heels have gotten a little shorter, her Mardi Gras gowns are put away for good, and she is just as comfortable in a pair of cotton slacks as she is a silk suit.  Hell, maybe I'll try those Crocs on.....nah, probably not.

4.  Bedtime:  10:30 on a school nite no questions asked.  This means that my ambien is happily ingested by 10:00.

There are other ways I am changing, much like she changed when Sutton came into our world.  It doesn't bother me if Chloee is in my bedroom rolling a $500.00 crystal vase on the carpet or playing with my Rolex in the tub because it is making her happy.  In the big scheme of things, it really is no big deal

 So I guess I am okay with this new reflection that I am seeing. 

After all, it was modeled after the best  :)

Terror in the aisles

There is a terror creeping around the United States and it's being delivered to just about everyone's home everyday.  I'm not talking about the political propaganda that is on our television that is only going to get worse before it gets better.  I'm not talking about the fact that the United States government may be able to force someone to have insurance.  I am not talking about the mere existence of Michelle Bachmann or Sarah Palin. 

I am talking about Extreme Couponers...

I posted a while back about this people and how they literally terrify me.  They are right below the moms on "Toddlers and Tiaras" (and you know who you are Honey Boo Boo Child)  Now, before coupon clippers get up in arms and start telling me how much money I can save by using coupons there are some things that you need to know.  I don't care if you use coupons.  I am not going to.  I don't think I am better then anyone but I am not going to take the time out of my day to clip, file, and store away coupons and then turn around and plan my meals around what is in my coupon binder and then haul said binder to my local shopping establishment and then have to search for said food.  It's just not in me and I don't have the patience to do it.

So I am not talking about your daily coupon user...I was watching The Learning Channel and this show "Extreme Couponing" came on and I thought to myself there is no way in hell this is real.  Of course I tuned in.  I was so not expecting what I saw.  People were dancing across my television screen happily showing rooms that they kept coupon circulars in that were waiting to be clipped and meticulously placed in large, segmented binders before hopping in minivans and heading for the store to make the coupon magic happen.  And boy do they...I have never seen something like this...these people buy all of these things in the hopes that their entire purchase will be for nothing...and I am talking about entire bins and displays of sh*t.  If their total is over 27 cents they go into a complete fit, demand to see a manager and keep the people behind them who are only trying to buy enough groceries to make a Ceasar salad furious...

Then they bring this stash home, usually to a specially built bunker or room that is designated strictly for their couponing rewards.  No, call me crazy, but does one need over 5000 rubes of toothpaste?  How many teeth are you expecting to brush, Sugar.  Eventually we get old and get replacement teeth that sit right in a nice glass on the back of your toilet.  Do you need 700 cases of assorted size diapers when you are childless and grandchild-less?  What about the shelves and shelves of Fancy Feast that you have accumulated but still haven't found the time to buy a cat? 

Here is the deal...I don't mind saving money.  I'm actually all for it to be honest.  I do have an issue with this organized hoarding of sorts.  You can't tell me that buying your local Food Circus out of cat food because it is going to be (gasp) FREE by the time your coupon is run is normal IF YOU DON'T OWN A CAT.  If you don't have a baby you don't need any diapers.  No pool means you don't need pool chemicals and lets face it, there is no need in having 600 bottles of laundry detergent. (Especially scented laundry detergent...remember if the Zombie apocalypse comes, they have a INCREDIBLE sense of smell).

In many ways I feel for these people...waiting for their latest circulars, clipping them, binding them, shopping with them, having whole rooms added to their homes for a stash of goods that can't be used in a hundred lifetimes.  Think of everything else they could be doing with this time and energy and patience.  I'm not saying don't try and conserve, but next time you think "I can get 20 servings for cat food for 1 penny a serving and then I have a buy one get one free coupon for them" that you may be better served coloring with your child, visiting your parents, or buying those items and donating them an animal shelter.  Splashing your face across TLC only makes you a target for people who have time on their lunch hour to blog about you!  :)

Paging Dr. Evans, Dr. Marlena Evans...

I have always taken for granted that I wouldn't actually live to see something that was a predominate part of my youth go into what can only be described as extinction.  After all, I am only forty and in the big scheme of things I have not been around that long.  However, I find that there is something that I grew up with, something that helped me be the person I am today that the youth of tomorrow will not have. 

I am of course talking about the soap opera.

You can't tell me that people would rather Keep Up With the Kartrashians then watch a good old fashioned soap opera that is far more believable then their lives are.  When I was younger my days were filled.  I started them in Salem, quickly jumped to Bay City and finished the day out in Santa Barbara.  Looking back, no wonder I was fat.  Once my ass was planted on that sofa to the familiar beginning of Days Of Our Lives I wasn't about to get up until the final credits of Santa Barbara rolled.  I don't care what was happening.  They are now being replaced with all these round table type talk shows that I have a hard time following.  I am listening to "The View",or am I viewing "The Talk"?  Why do I care that Regis has left Kelly and why in the name of everything holy is that douche Dr. Phil still on the air?

With a soap opera you don't get all the run around that you get with other broadcast television and I like that.  I the land of soaps you can count that if someone is pregnant her husband is not the father.  If a couple that loves each other more then the very air they breathe get engaged, a marriage is not going to happen.  If someone dies they are going to come back about a year later after extensive contract re-negotiation.  An explosion has been known to change someones hair color, eye color, height, weight, and even nationality. Oh and finally, you can rest assured that whatever the plot line calls for Dr. Marlena Evans will end up kidnapped or with amnesia, or both.

Long suffering Marlena has seen the death of her twin sister (who had kidnapped her), countless kidnappings, amnesia more times then anyone can count, possession from the devil, she was surrogate when she was in a coma, She has been in multiple plane crashes, fires, floods, hurricanes and other natural disasters.  She has been buried alive, endured the kidnapping of her children and even once thought she was a serial killer, all the while remaining the top psychiatrist on staff of Salem University Hospital....she is also one of my heroes.

See, I think a good old fashioned soap opera (not to be confused with a bona fide drama) gives you the break from reality that you often need to make it through life.  Work sucks?  Hey, your not pregnant with your half alien brother in laws child that you conceived on a space ship in Heaven.  They are little glimpses into the lives that NO ONE (not even those Kartrashians) could even dream of having, and that is what makes them wonderful.  So give me Dr. Evans over Dr. Oz any day.  She may not be real, but sometimes the break from reality she prescribes is just what the doctor ordered.

Be on the lookout

I am missing something very near to me.  I am missing something that I find it difficult to face the day without.  I have prayed exhaustively to find it.  I have searched everywhere hoping to find it...

Happiness, you may ask.  No.  Love, you may be wondering.  No.  Inner peace that comes from knowing that you have somehow positively changed the world?  No, that doesn't concern me a bit.

It's my sunglasses.

See, ever since I have been about eighteen years old I have had a fetish with sunglasses.  I love them, I spend money (lots of money) for them.  I cherish them and in many ways love them as a mother dog loves her newborn pups.  Then I lose them.

I got my first pair of "expensive" sunglasses right after I started college. It was a pair of black RayBan Wayfarers that I promptly proceeded to leave on top of a drink cooler in the University of South Alabama bookstore about three months later.  This began my downward spiral into the addiction of buying and losing expensive sunglasses.

Honestly, if I knew how much money I had spent on sunglasses over the last twenty two years I would probably throw up my left lung.  What makes it even worse is that I never have ANY idea where they may be.  I just wake up one day and go to put them on a realize, SH*T, I did it again.  When Jeff asks me where I last remember having them my answer is simple...ON MY FACE., where do you think I last remember having them?  Geez...

So here's the thing that drives me crazy about this. I am generally a put together person and I do take care of my things especially my expensive things.  I have had my Rolex for twenty five years and for twenty five years I have known exactly where it is.  My ring has been safely wrapped around my finger for over fifteen years and I have never walked off and left Sutton or Chloee sitting on top of a vending machine.  However, countless RayBans, Gucci, Armani, Maui Jim and Costa del Mar sunglasses later I found myself happily handing my credit card to some unknown cashier for a new pair of black Wayfarers...I got in the car, slipped them on, and I could hear my eyes silently tell me "oh thank you..."

It has since rained everyday since I bought them.  Somewhere the Sunglasses Gods are laughing at me...again.

The Real World??

When I was young I had three main goals and I am totally serious about this:

1.  I wanted to be involved in a multi-story arc on either Days of Our Lives or As the World Turns.  In these stories I would play the long lost twins of either Marlena Evans or Lily Snyder.  The fact that Lily is actually only two years older then me was inconsequential.

2.  I wanted to be the author of an "Oprah Book Club Selection"

3.  I wanted to be the breakout star of "The Real World - Mobile"

Obviously none of these ever happened.

This brings me to what I feel is my biggest pet peeve on television today.  Is it violence?  No.  Gratuitous sex? Nope, never had a problem with that.

It is the Kardashians.

If you know me well you know that while I detest this Armenian family that simply wont go away, I apparently am on of the people who is 'keeping up" with them, which I guess is a good thing because they are not going away anytime soon, or ever.  They are everywhere.  They are endorsing credit cards, clothing lines, nail polish (Kim's is "Follow Me on Glitter"), tennis shoes, diet pills and even writing books.  Books?!?  This alone shocks me because I didn't think Harper and Row accepted manuscripts written in crayon but apparently they do.  Hell, I wish my biggest problem in life was the world thinking that my behind had implants in them.

I guess it just goes to show the differences in how people are raised.  My mom encouraged me to get good grades.  Their mom encouraged them to get professional athlete husbands.  I made the honor role.  Kim made a sex tape.  They call their mom "Kris".  If I ever called my mom "Pat" to her face I would actively be looking for a new set of teeth...

Lets get real about this real world that we are watching on television.  You shouldn't have a "momager" you should have a mother.  You shouldn't televise your fairytale knowing its going to end 73 days later.  You don't flaunt a twenty karat diamond ring by running you perfectly fake nails through your expertly styled weave while you family acts shocked and surprised around a dinner setting that would make Martha Stewart jealous...(I mean, is there anyone who thinks that Kim didn't buy that ring herself...or better yet is there anyone who thinks that ring is real)

So, I keep up with the Kardtrashians.  Their infection on society of their "real" world reminds me how happy I am to live in mine!!!

Welcome to me!

"Made a wrong turn once or twice, dug my way out, blood and fire.  Bad decisions, that's alright. Welcome to my silly life..."

I while ago I posted this to facebook with the tag that even though I had never met Pink in public that she must have done a Google search on me to come up with this line.  By the time I was 40 I had been held at gun point in my own home, sued by a crazy one legged aunt that now resdies comfortably in whatever world happens to be playing in her mind, oh, and burned the entire second story off of my condominium.  Since no one was hurt I made the comment that I was simply downsizing.

So here are some things that you need to know about me.  I have a great job that I pay attention to but in my private life, if it doesn't happen on the pages of People Magazine, there is a good chance I am not going to know about it.  I didn't know who Amanda Knox was til she came home and was relieved to see after exhaustive research that she was not mentioned in the "Style" or "Chatter" section of said magazine.  I don't talk about politics or religion mostly because I understand niether of them and my head is already cluttered with useless things like ABBA song lyrics as it is.  I detest Angelina Jolie, am baffled the rise to fame of the Olsen twins, and, for some odd reason, now find myself keeping tabs on the movements of one Bobbi Kristina Houston Brown.  I am allergic to caffeine, I think that if evil had a taste it would be "english peas" and try as I might, just can't be a fan of Katy Perry. I feel that facebook status' should not be a constant and continual update on your honor roll, cheerleading, boyscouting, gymnatics doing child (unless I have personally met and approved of them) and I certainly don't want to see one where you constantly lament on how the world has treated you so unkindly...did you miss where I burned my house down?  Chin up, life aint fair.  If I ask you how you are doing I want your response to be "fine, and you", and if you give me anything but that response I have probably completely ignored it.

Oh...and I like vodka, a lot..a whole lot..and not that cheap swill that still has tiny bits of potato floating around in it...

So that is me. Follow at your own risk and don't be prepared to learn anything!